BUT. BUT. BUT

I have been starting the dreaded job hunt...well sorta...i am getting antsy to start my career. I have applied for a few select jobs that look perfect. Our goal is to wait until next Summer/Fall when i finish school, to then start back Full-time, but if an opportunity comes i will take it! I want to work so bad but i also want to be home with my kiddos. I wish life was that easy where i didn't have to go to school or work.

BUT. I wish i could just play with my kids all day and be there for every new milestone. I have been home for seven years and i feel the timer slowly ticking down and i am scared. I am scared that my future employers won't want a stay at home mom/student almost in her thirties...who is just starting to work outside of the home. I am worried i haven't networked or volunteered enough and that no one will want me. I worry that i don't have time for an internship and that the lack of experience will deter many new possible opportunities.

BUT i know i have done my best. I know that i have been working hard 24-7 trying to balance my home and school life. I have gotten good grade, volunteered my eyeballs out, and enjoyed keeping busy with my family. I am dedicated to finding a job that wants me as much as i want them and in return i will give them my soul. I am a hard worker. I am willing to do what it takes to get the work done right. I can do anything!!!

BUT.BUT.BUT. I am still nervous. I am still scared. Not as much about working, but about leaving my family. I like taking my kids to school. I like volunteering for PTA and seeing Hailey with her friends and teachers. I like helping Hailey with her homework and making her an afternoon snack. I like giving Grant a bottle and putting him down for a nap...so that when he wakes up i am the person who can see his happy little face. I like meeting Hailey at the bus stop and seeing Grant's excitement knowing she is home and hers knowing we are there to see her. I just like spending every minute possible with my kids. I don't want someone else raising them!!

BUT. I am having a major complex about what to do with Grant when i go back to work. Do i do a Daycare, Preschool, Grandparent...what are my options??? I don't trust others with my children. Especially the daycares...i worked there i know to much...i like preschools especially our churches but i would still need part-time care from someone. My mother-in-law is retiring in December but i have no clue if she would want to watch him for a year or two??? I don't want to shove the burden on a family member..unless she wants too do it!

BUT. Another completely different issue revolves around the idea of having another baby. I desperately want another.. Jason has said that he "MIGHT" be fair game but that he wants it done soon. That would mean that if we decided to try for another we would most likely be pregnant, very pregnant, during my job hunt. Yeah, that should go over great with a new employer! And then i need to find childcare for a new infant which is even harder for me to fathom....i raised my first two and swore i would never use daycare for any of my children under two years old...so what then??

BUT. I think i am off on a tangent. But the point is that i am freaking out a bit. I am torn. I am sad. I am happy. I want to work BADLY. I want to stay home even more badly!! I am just confused and optimistic. I know it will all work out in its own time. Right??